I'm currently composing a letter to my father about how terrible a person he is.
But what does that say about me...about what kind of person I am? Not being able to tolerate a member of my own family when all I preach about is tolerance and acceptance....
What if it's the mere fact that he is a member of my family that I hold him to the highest regards? What if I expect so much from him because he IS my father? He IS supposed to love me and support me and do whatever he can to help me when I am in need. He is supposed to understand and be there. And I'm just having the hardest time putting into words what really hurts me without telling him to fuck off because I can't formulate the words after he just pushes every button. Maybe I should be the bigger person here. But why do I have to do that? Hasn't he been the adult the longest, and therefore should be able to handle these situations better than I? Is that so much to ask from a father for understanding and sympathy, if not empathy?Because I WANT him to finally understand, even if it is too late. Don't ask me why, it's past rational for me. Perhaps I just want a father who will love me and be there for me always, and I don't think he could ever be that to me. So why pursue the impossible?
