I'm currently composing a letter to my father about how terrible a person he is.
But what does that say about me...about what kind of person I am? Not being able to tolerate a member of my own family when all I preach about is tolerance and acceptance....
What if it's the mere fact that he is a member of my family that I hold him to the highest regards? What if I expect so much from him because he IS my father? He IS supposed to love me and support me and do whatever he can to help me when I am in need. He is supposed to understand and be there. And I'm just having the hardest time putting into words what really hurts me without telling him to fuck off because I can't formulate the words after he just pushes every button. Maybe I should be the bigger person here. But why do I have to do that? Hasn't he been the adult the longest, and therefore should be able to handle these situations better than I? Is that so much to ask from a father for understanding and sympathy, if not empathy?Because I WANT him to finally understand, even if it is too late. Don't ask me why, it's past rational for me. Perhaps I just want a father who will love me and be there for me always, and I don't think he could ever be that to me. So why pursue the impossible?
Put yourself in his shoes for a moment, or rather him in yours, and imagine he feels as if you are the one pushing his buttons. We can only expect that of which we exude. Acceptance and tolerance is derived from mutual respect.
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