Religion vs. Belief

I talked at length with my father about my grandfather's passing tonight. He's a very devout protestant, Southern Baptist actually. It's a very conservative sect of Christianity, and I don't want to upset him by telling him I'm not sure, I'm not ready for that lecture. But I did let him tell me what he felt about the whole situation. And this is how I perceived it.

Apparently we're told that in order to become good with God, Himself, we have to choose the right side. The side that God said we must choose to be with Him. He created us to choose whether we loved Him or not, and as it seems, there is only one right answer. He created us so that he could have fellowship, but He wanted true love, He wanted us to make the choice to love Him, so He also gave us the chance to damn ourselves...all because He wanted true and undying love from us. And because we're imperfect, because we chase our greed and our own sinful desires above the desires of heaven, God sent himself in the form of his Son as a sacrifice on our part, so that we may believe and forever live in His glory.

I don't think this is absurd at all, I'm just not sure about the whole afterlife thing. It's so hard to wrap my mind around, and while I attest to believing in Christianity, I cannot say that I am a Christian, for I have not followed Christ like I should, and I will not shame the name of this belief.

But the religion, the orthodox religion of Christianity, the organized religion, is all very political.

I'm very sure that everyone can agree that wars are started because everyone is right about their one true belief, and that the rest of humanity is incorrect. I know it's easy to think about the Catholic and Protestant conflicts in Ireland and England. Of course we know about the Muslim skirmishes in the Middle East. We know that religious conflict in the late Imperial era sparked many rebellions, along with political and social unrest. It would seem that religion does nothing but bring chaos to our lives, but if we stop and think for a moment, what of human origin HASN'T brought chaos?

We try and do something for the good of the people, and end of ruining the environment. We are greedy and selfish, and capitalism only contributes to that. We think for ourselves. It's in human nature, and with that though, comes egotism. We think we're the only right ones. No one else can be right.

Judeo-Christianity sees the all-mighty power of the universe in the form of a man. Because our texts say that we were created in his image, which we have determined, must be physical.

I'm not exactly sure what other religions exactly believe, but I know that they are different from what I believe. I know that Hindu, Buddhism, Islam, Taoism, Confucianism....they all believe in different powers, different beings. But it all comes down to one shared focus.

Love.

Love is a powerful thing. It can mend hearts, minds, egos. It's amazing. And showing love to a fellow human being is what each and every one of these religions bases their ideologies off of. If we look to the core of Christianity, we see the basic foundations, of love. God wants us to love each other, He wants us to love Him.

Buddhism deals a lot with meditation, and sending love out to the world.

Taoism deals with the way, finding love and following it through simplicity.

Love is a belief held near and dear to my heart. Loving the rest of humanity is hard sometimes, but we were created to love one another, and although we were doomed to fail, love is a goal we all aspire towards.

The existence of all this is always hotly debated, but I don't exactly have time to go further into detail, although I wish I did, I'll save that for a later date.

Reflections on Life

I realized, after losing my grandfather, my uncle, and my best friend....that life is anything but promised. We're never promised the next second, and it seems everything we willingly put ourselves through is all for naught if we only die in the end anyways.

I sometimes feel that what we do on this earth is only as good as we're alive, and when we've died, what good has it done us? What good did we gain? I feel that we grew as people, as individuals, always becoming a better human being...but what good is that when your existence no longer is?

My only problem with this whole idea is life, is the meaning of it. I'm not talking about meaning within life, it just seems that being alive for around 70 years, and then just disintegrating into nothingness, makes no sense. If that's all we were here for, life wouldn't have proliferated, would it? Does it make sense that we would be born, and then die in less than a century, with little time to make a mark on this world, and at that it'd be only the human population. I just feel that...there's little meaning to our existence other than to be born, live (in a very vague sense of the word even), and die. And after death...what is there? It seems empty. I feel like we've created religions only to comfort the living, and these have only become more elaborate over time.

I'm just confused about this whole life thing. Why are we alive? If I'm to believe my Christian upbringing, we're created for the soul purpose of serving and praising our Lord every second of the day, and be happy about it. That doesn't make much sense to me. I mean, if I were all powerful, sure I'd create this elaborate idea and call it life, give it to 6 billion people, and counting, not to mention every OTHER organism that is alive, and then make it as difficult as possible to have a good time. I don't know, I guess if I was that bored, and all powerful, I'd create people to worship me. But from what I understand, he already had an awesome presence of angels at his feet. Why need grubby, unwilling, and non-committal humans? Why not anything else this all powerful being decided to breathe into existence?

First of all, I don't understand the need for us to be alive, except to live and die, and then why must we make it so complicated? Why the modernization, the self-actualization. Whenever I just watch people, it amazes me how complicated we make everything. I've observed birds searching for food, and I reflect over the seemingly simple life they lead. How easy they make life seem, and then I wonder why my life can't be that simple, or if it can, why don't I choose to make it that simple? I wonder why we go to college and everything, if we only die in the end.

I understand the need for procreation, and I understand sexual selection, and I think that could have a possible impact on the way we've created our social interactions and perceived needs. The demand for competent men and women has increased the need for college, good resumes, outstanding penmanship, etcetera. It seems like it's only a positive-feedback-loop, again, explained away by supply and demand. I'm not sure I like this system. But it is what it is, and there's no way a 19 year old girl can create a paradigm shift, besides, I don't even have a good substitute, this seems to be working....I just sometimes wish I could go back to a simpler life, but don't we all?

Nostalgia and Regrets

I spent the night with my ex on Friday. I don't even know if he's my ex yet. I think we broke it off, whatever the case my be, we're taking a break, and I have yet to be informed whether it shall be indefinite or not. I'm not sure if it was a bad move. On one hand, I was lonely and I needed, maybe it's more like wanted, someone to fix that. What I did wasn't stupid, entirely. But I do wish that I hadn't put so much worth in him, almost to the point where he ends up being the most important person in my life. I know that's not true, but it seems that way. It seems like I chose to forsake all of my friends just for Steve....and now that there's a possibility of us being over, I really don't have anyone to run to just because of all the time I was with him instead of them. I didn't make any new friends this semester, I basically spent all of my time off campus at his apartment. I never saw my roommate, my best friend, my good friends, no one except him, for all intents and purposes. Now that I need them most, I realize that this is the worst time to show them I care, because it's only at my convenience. I know it's wrong to feel free to go running to a person that feels unloved and neglected...and I only wish that I had realized this...no, that I hadn't taken for granted their friendships.

I see my roommate and her boyfriend, they seem so happy together. He comes over a lot, stays the night, is very kind and considerate to my privacy, and of course I show him the same respect. It's hard watching them cuddle in the mornings, and not wish that I was with Steve doing the same thing, and it's not only physical companionship that I miss, but the emotional as well. On Friday night, sure I was with Steve...but it's not like...it was so much like how we were before...I don't know what I could have done to bring him back to me. I knew that it wasn't going to last, I knew that seeing him wasn't the best idea, I knew that all I had was the physical side of him, while what I really wanted and needed was his love and mercy. Friday night I held onto him knowing that it wouldn't last, knowing that he was only back in my life momentarily...as a statue of what I want. It hurts realizing this at the same time that I'm only trying to be with him, to be satisfied that he's back in my life....and yet I know that he's not. I dreaded the morning, the time that I'd have to leave, so I held onto him for dear life, sending him all my love and doing my best to show him that I really do care. I knew that I wasn't changing anything, by asking him to stay with him. Sex doesn't fix anything, I know this. Thinking about this doesn't make it any better, nor any worse. I can't fix it by killing myself over this...I just don't know which way to turn. I want to get past this point, but the only way that I want it to turn is to be with him...but I do really want to be past this, and I guess....if getting past it means getting over him, so be it. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

College life...and the changes the former has brought

Since beginning this arduous journey called life, I've had my ups and downs, ins and outs, and my share of surprises along the way. One thing I've failed to experience, however, is college. Now that's a very vague sense of the word, because when you think of college, you usually think of classes, parties, Greek life, etc. What one fails to think of is the free time one finds...or you could say that one makes this free time, and the responsibility to decide how to spend said time. College is less of a time of exploration of ones interest as a time where we have to find the adult within ourselves, and it's the ones who can't handle that that end up dropping out. It's not because they're stupid, they just weren't ready for the adult world. I'm sure that you adults out there would kill to be back in an environment where they seemingly baby us, but its the transition, of high school to the real world, that we desperately depend on.

One obvious conflict of interest may involve intimacy and significant others. We're all familiar with the wings of love, and the pangs of loss. One thing that we tend to forget, however, is the triumph one feels after you get past the fact of loss, after we prove our strength and tenacity.

Everyone wants to have fun in college, and fun is to be had...but one can only play when work is finished. And to be truthful, it's a good feeling, having work done before fun...one can really let go and forget about work when it's all finished.

As my freshman year of college comes to a close, I wish I would have been told that deadlines come fast, that a heart shouldn't be given out so quickly, and that wariness is a good quality to have. I had a lot of fun this year, and yet I know it only gets harder, I feel like this experience was a good transition. I've learned I'm not the best of students, but I'm working on that.

I've attained quite a list of books to read and movies to see, and I can't wait for summer to get here. I've never been so excited about a summer, and yet I know next year I'll only have to be more responsible, but I'm confident in my abilities, I want to enjoy this time for myself, I want to work and relax, no school worries, and have the confidence that I'll be moving on to bigger and better things.

I've loved and lost this year. I've dealt with my past, and pondered the future. I've found new interests, and a new me. Overall, this was a good year. And I approve.