Nostalgia and Regrets

I spent the night with my ex on Friday. I don't even know if he's my ex yet. I think we broke it off, whatever the case my be, we're taking a break, and I have yet to be informed whether it shall be indefinite or not. I'm not sure if it was a bad move. On one hand, I was lonely and I needed, maybe it's more like wanted, someone to fix that. What I did wasn't stupid, entirely. But I do wish that I hadn't put so much worth in him, almost to the point where he ends up being the most important person in my life. I know that's not true, but it seems that way. It seems like I chose to forsake all of my friends just for Steve....and now that there's a possibility of us being over, I really don't have anyone to run to just because of all the time I was with him instead of them. I didn't make any new friends this semester, I basically spent all of my time off campus at his apartment. I never saw my roommate, my best friend, my good friends, no one except him, for all intents and purposes. Now that I need them most, I realize that this is the worst time to show them I care, because it's only at my convenience. I know it's wrong to feel free to go running to a person that feels unloved and neglected...and I only wish that I had realized this...no, that I hadn't taken for granted their friendships.

I see my roommate and her boyfriend, they seem so happy together. He comes over a lot, stays the night, is very kind and considerate to my privacy, and of course I show him the same respect. It's hard watching them cuddle in the mornings, and not wish that I was with Steve doing the same thing, and it's not only physical companionship that I miss, but the emotional as well. On Friday night, sure I was with Steve...but it's not like...it was so much like how we were before...I don't know what I could have done to bring him back to me. I knew that it wasn't going to last, I knew that seeing him wasn't the best idea, I knew that all I had was the physical side of him, while what I really wanted and needed was his love and mercy. Friday night I held onto him knowing that it wouldn't last, knowing that he was only back in my life momentarily...as a statue of what I want. It hurts realizing this at the same time that I'm only trying to be with him, to be satisfied that he's back in my life....and yet I know that he's not. I dreaded the morning, the time that I'd have to leave, so I held onto him for dear life, sending him all my love and doing my best to show him that I really do care. I knew that I wasn't changing anything, by asking him to stay with him. Sex doesn't fix anything, I know this. Thinking about this doesn't make it any better, nor any worse. I can't fix it by killing myself over this...I just don't know which way to turn. I want to get past this point, but the only way that I want it to turn is to be with him...but I do really want to be past this, and I guess....if getting past it means getting over him, so be it. I just don't want to hurt anymore.