I've really been thinking.
I like relationships and all.
The whole, I love you...I want to be with you forever.
That kind of stuff, the stuff chicks usually totally dig.
I'm all for that.
But I know that I'll also be gone in a few months...and then even after that, life has so many turning points.
So many variables.
I can't account for them all.
What I'm saying is...I know that I want a serious, down to earth, real relationship.
Commitment and all.
I don't worry about any of that.
All I know is that I want guys.
I like pleasure...what girl doesn't?
But the way I think I'm going to be most happy at the moment is if I don't make all these connections now only to break them when I leave.
I'd rather not have anything too serious, have fun with these last few months...make the most of my time here.
Which is totally what I am doing.
I've fallen in love before, I know how much it hurts to be rejected by the one fallen for.
I also know that if I make such a commitment before I leave...I'll either end up hurting myself or him.
I don't want that either.
I'm such a compassionate person...I can't stand the feeling of hurting somebody because of my stupid decisions...there's no reason for that.
Sigh.
I want to feel love though, I know the feeling, and I'm looking for it all over again.
But I know what that will do to my dreams...and I will not compromise on any of it.
So...do I look for love, or just go out and have a good time before college?
Agh! Not something I want to worry about at the moment...but totally necessary. Oh well....I'll know soon enough.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
School?
So...I'm at school, wondering how this is working.
I mean, yeah, I'm eccstatic that I can get on here...but it's sorta really weird. =]
So...onto the many ramblings of a teenage brian.
Possible topics:
My unrelenting, satisfying exploration of my sexuality(a very promising one).
The irrationality of my peers...and how afflicted I am by their lack of thoughtfulness.
Guys and unruly relationships.
Hook-ups v. Relationships.
The status of my agnostic/christianic ways.
Love v. Hate.
Life.
Everything that any one could ever wish to think about....all on a small (ok, not really) littl blog!
But, not right now, I only have ten minutes until the end of class....but I'll be back!
I mean, yeah, I'm eccstatic that I can get on here...but it's sorta really weird. =]
So...onto the many ramblings of a teenage brian.
Possible topics:
My unrelenting, satisfying exploration of my sexuality(a very promising one).
The irrationality of my peers...and how afflicted I am by their lack of thoughtfulness.
Guys and unruly relationships.
Hook-ups v. Relationships.
The status of my agnostic/christianic ways.
Love v. Hate.
Life.
Everything that any one could ever wish to think about....all on a small (ok, not really) littl blog!
But, not right now, I only have ten minutes until the end of class....but I'll be back!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Speech
Walking down the foot worn trail, I hear the birds in the trees, I feel the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, I marvel at the green glow of light surrounding me. The forest is alive. Everywhere I look I see a thriving ecosystem. Crickets are chirping, squirrels are gathering, rabbits are running. In the distance, I hear a wood pecker searching for food. I glimpse a deer loping through the trees. As I walk farther on, I hear the trickle of water flowing, flowing over the algae covered, smooth polished river rocks.
Out from beneath the dense forest, the shadowed ground and leaf-littered floor, the sun's intense rays force my eyes closed until I adjust to the brightness of the mid-summer's day. The trickle of the water calls my name. It invites me to enjoy the relief it brings from the scorching heat. I take off my shoes and socks, roll up my well-worn, experienced, ragged Levi's, and step in. I jump, startled by the freezing temperature of the water. I walk farther in, letting the water rise to my knees, and follow the flow of the river, barefoot, and explore what I have yet to discover.
Little did I know those days would end. Childhood's days are numbered, and mine was quickly coming to a close.
Sitting in the passenger seat, Mom's forest green sedan parked in the rocky drive way, the trunk and backseat full of backpacks and suitcases, filled with Barbie dolls, stuffed animals, and clothes; I think about how unaffected nature is by the death of my childhood, the ending of a chapter. The sun still rises, the birds still sing, the flowers still open in the morning. There is no dark cloud looming to the south, nothing to show the death of a life. I'm almost surprised by the less than ominous signs nature holds. I was expecting thunder and lightning, sleet and hail, a blizzard in the middle of July, anything out of the ordinary, but no such sign came my way. The car starts, and we head towards the road, where I rode my bike, walked with my friends, waited for the bus, and now I'm leaving it all behind. I close my eyes, I don't want to see my life flash before me, every scene clear as if I'm experiencing it all over again. I have control of that, the choice to remember, at least there is something I can stop. But I can't take the wheel from my mother, I can't turn around, the control I have ends with my memories.
I've been told all my life it takes a husband, a car, a house, a family, an education, and a career to make me happy. I feel everyone else has been told the same thing, because I look around at my friends, and it seem that we're all counting the days, until graduation, until we start our careers, until we marry, until we own a house, always waiting but never happy.
Revisiting that foot worn trail, I've come to realize being a child wasn't what made me happy, meandering didn't make me happy, it was the water calling my name, it was the sense of belonging, it was feeling that the world needed me as much as I needed it.
We all need to find that sense of belonging, where counting time isn't as important as simply existing, where we can walk farther in, let the water rise to our knees, and follow the flow of the river to explore what we have yet to discover.
Out from beneath the dense forest, the shadowed ground and leaf-littered floor, the sun's intense rays force my eyes closed until I adjust to the brightness of the mid-summer's day. The trickle of the water calls my name. It invites me to enjoy the relief it brings from the scorching heat. I take off my shoes and socks, roll up my well-worn, experienced, ragged Levi's, and step in. I jump, startled by the freezing temperature of the water. I walk farther in, letting the water rise to my knees, and follow the flow of the river, barefoot, and explore what I have yet to discover.
Little did I know those days would end. Childhood's days are numbered, and mine was quickly coming to a close.
Sitting in the passenger seat, Mom's forest green sedan parked in the rocky drive way, the trunk and backseat full of backpacks and suitcases, filled with Barbie dolls, stuffed animals, and clothes; I think about how unaffected nature is by the death of my childhood, the ending of a chapter. The sun still rises, the birds still sing, the flowers still open in the morning. There is no dark cloud looming to the south, nothing to show the death of a life. I'm almost surprised by the less than ominous signs nature holds. I was expecting thunder and lightning, sleet and hail, a blizzard in the middle of July, anything out of the ordinary, but no such sign came my way. The car starts, and we head towards the road, where I rode my bike, walked with my friends, waited for the bus, and now I'm leaving it all behind. I close my eyes, I don't want to see my life flash before me, every scene clear as if I'm experiencing it all over again. I have control of that, the choice to remember, at least there is something I can stop. But I can't take the wheel from my mother, I can't turn around, the control I have ends with my memories.
I've been told all my life it takes a husband, a car, a house, a family, an education, and a career to make me happy. I feel everyone else has been told the same thing, because I look around at my friends, and it seem that we're all counting the days, until graduation, until we start our careers, until we marry, until we own a house, always waiting but never happy.
Revisiting that foot worn trail, I've come to realize being a child wasn't what made me happy, meandering didn't make me happy, it was the water calling my name, it was the sense of belonging, it was feeling that the world needed me as much as I needed it.
We all need to find that sense of belonging, where counting time isn't as important as simply existing, where we can walk farther in, let the water rise to our knees, and follow the flow of the river to explore what we have yet to discover.
I believe...
I believe in love, I belive that love conquors all. I also belive that love is as easily lost as gained. I don't believe in love at first sight, there is attraction, sure, but not love, nothing as intense as love could possibly be.
I believe that there is no such thing as 'the one'. I don't believe in fate. I believe for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I believe you create your own fate. I believe "shallow men believe in luck, and strong men believe in cause and effect," (Ralf Waldo Emerson). I believe those who are weak, those who are lazy, those who will not; believe in fate. I believe that every decision I make affects everything around me; my future, my friends, my family; as well as myself. I believe if love is lost, it is not to be blamed on such silliness as fate, whether one was 'meant to be' or not. I believe the only thing to blame would be decisions and circumstances, not just people.
I believe love lost deserves to be mourned. I believe that mourning should not take over your life. I believe life should go on, because it is obvious that it's possible, it happened before. I believe time should not be wasted on such mourning, even if it must happen. I believe we must pick ourselves up, and move on.
I believe love is not a necessity. I believe it is possible to live without love, but it is really nice to have. I believe we, as humans, have become so interdependent, that we no longer know how to be independent. I believe independence is the goal of human life, but is hindered by society's ideals.
I believe the goal of human life is pure existance. I believe the goal of existence is survival and vice versa. I believe there is no actual purpose in life but to keep it going, to not hinder others. I believe we put our own 'morals' and codes to guide life. I believe morals and religion are created to satisfy the human desire to understand, that those answers only muffle and put out that fire. I believe those are not answers at all, but merely ways to gain power.
I believe if I am ever to find happiness, I must do it alone. I believe I am a loner, and shall always be. I believe I put myself out there, hoping to find trust, only to be hurt. I believe, in order to keep strong, I must reel myself back in, and lock my heart. I believe that it is the only way to survive.
I believe everything is done in self-interest. I believe I make decisions based on self-interest.
This I believe.
Choices and Musicals
I've started wondering....what is love?
Lol...a topic for me to write about, no?
Hmmm...its weird. Some people would like to believe that there is only one person out there for them....some believe differently.
I am a rational individual.
I believe that love is what you make it...that it doesn't function properly without the necessary support and balance.
I love being in love. It's a feeling beyond compare.
And losing love sucks with about the same equivalence of the amazing feeling of gaining love...of BEING in love.
When that is snatched out of your hand, out of your heart....one is entitled to grieve.
I lost two loves last year.
Both were taken from me unexpectedly, and I didn't spend nearly enough time with either one of them.
I want this year to be different.
I'm going to make sure all of my friends and family know that I love them. I'm going to spend much more time with every single one. I'm going to fall in love, and be caught by my lover.
I'm so tired of only hurting....so, another of my resolutions will be to grow closer to God.
I plan to look for answers to questions I have been asking for years. For both my own benefit, and the hopes of benefiting those around me.
It's time I start growing up anyways...stop choosing ignorance over enlightenment. I deserve more than that.
Of course....that is all dependent upon my choices this year. Will I choose the former or the latter, the good or the bad.....but is it always so simple?
Sigh.
I want to believe that I'm ready to make decisions for myself...but I'm scared.
I've never had to...I mean, I will be finishing school in at least 5 years. Then what? What happens when I finish everything? I've been in school for a good portion of my life, being without would feel so....for lack of a better word, empty.
I don't know.
I feel so confused sometimes....lied to, manipulated, crushed. And I can't help but think, it's my own fault. If I had only paid closer attention, if only....that is what I don't want to be saying years from now.
So, no regrets.
We have reached the point of no return, no turning back now. (yes, grabbed from the Phantom of the Opera)
I want to get on with life...what better way to do that, than to forget the past....but I don't want to. I don't want to forget the joy I felt, but with those memories comes pain.
I guess you can't have sweet without the sour.
Well, I'm just as confused, if not more so, than I was when I first started....so if you so happen to enjoy this ranting....and maybe have some little tid bits of advice, I would love to hear them.
Toodles!!!!!!!
Lol...a topic for me to write about, no?
Hmmm...its weird. Some people would like to believe that there is only one person out there for them....some believe differently.
I am a rational individual.
I believe that love is what you make it...that it doesn't function properly without the necessary support and balance.
I love being in love. It's a feeling beyond compare.
And losing love sucks with about the same equivalence of the amazing feeling of gaining love...of BEING in love.
When that is snatched out of your hand, out of your heart....one is entitled to grieve.
I lost two loves last year.
Both were taken from me unexpectedly, and I didn't spend nearly enough time with either one of them.
I want this year to be different.
I'm going to make sure all of my friends and family know that I love them. I'm going to spend much more time with every single one. I'm going to fall in love, and be caught by my lover.
I'm so tired of only hurting....so, another of my resolutions will be to grow closer to God.
I plan to look for answers to questions I have been asking for years. For both my own benefit, and the hopes of benefiting those around me.
It's time I start growing up anyways...stop choosing ignorance over enlightenment. I deserve more than that.
Of course....that is all dependent upon my choices this year. Will I choose the former or the latter, the good or the bad.....but is it always so simple?
Sigh.
I want to believe that I'm ready to make decisions for myself...but I'm scared.
I've never had to...I mean, I will be finishing school in at least 5 years. Then what? What happens when I finish everything? I've been in school for a good portion of my life, being without would feel so....for lack of a better word, empty.
I don't know.
I feel so confused sometimes....lied to, manipulated, crushed. And I can't help but think, it's my own fault. If I had only paid closer attention, if only....that is what I don't want to be saying years from now.
So, no regrets.
We have reached the point of no return, no turning back now. (yes, grabbed from the Phantom of the Opera)
I want to get on with life...what better way to do that, than to forget the past....but I don't want to. I don't want to forget the joy I felt, but with those memories comes pain.
I guess you can't have sweet without the sour.
Well, I'm just as confused, if not more so, than I was when I first started....so if you so happen to enjoy this ranting....and maybe have some little tid bits of advice, I would love to hear them.
Toodles!!!!!!!
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