Pursuing the Impossible

I'm currently composing a letter to my father about how terrible a person he is.
But what does that say about me...about what kind of person I am? Not being able to tolerate a member of my own family when all I preach about is tolerance and acceptance....
What if it's the mere fact that he is a member of my family that I hold him to the highest regards? What if I expect so much from him because he IS my father? He IS supposed to love me and support me and do whatever he can to help me when I am in need. He is supposed to understand and be there. And I'm just having the hardest time putting into words what really hurts me without telling him to fuck off because I can't formulate the words after he just pushes every button. Maybe I should be the bigger person here. But why do I have to do that? Hasn't he been the adult the longest, and therefore should be able to handle these situations better than I? Is that so much to ask from a father for understanding and sympathy, if not empathy?Because I WANT him to finally understand, even if it is too late. Don't ask me why, it's past rational for me. Perhaps I just want a father who will love me and be there for me always, and I don't think he could ever be that to me. So why pursue the impossible?

What happened to our love?

It's weird how you were the one I always came to with problems, and now I stay as far away from you with everything as I can. You were the one person I counted on the most. You eased my fears and sorrows. You made me unadulteratedly happy...and now even looking back and smiling on the good times has its nasty side effects. I wish I could say that I don't miss you. I wish I could just look back and smile because we had such a good time together...but all that I can see right now are the mistakes that I made. Every single time I regretted doing something, everything that might have pushed you further away.  And I can't help but feel so incredibly lonely right now. Why did you have to do everything that I ever wanted a man to do for me? Why did you have to make me feel so loved and unforgettable...because all I can feel right now is exactly the opposite.

(Unm)otivational Text

I was browsing my facebook newsfeed earlier...and I came across the picture to the right. It actually made me angry. It's funny how little things can bring emotions right out of me...must be my state of mind at the moment. Either way...there has to be some kind of doublethink going on, there are all of these motivational, "come out of depression," kind of word pictures going around the internet these days. Wonderful! These are great messages. Who wants people to be depressed all of the time? I sure don't want to be depressed all of the time...I don't want my friends or family...even a complete stranger...I don't really wish depression on anyone. HOWEVER, it seems to me that this doublethink practice allows these creative minds (those making the word pictures) to ignore the clinically depressed people out there. Depression isn't just a mindset, it's also a chemical imbalance in the brain. Lack of energy can stimulate the same type of symptoms, and can be itself a symptom. The message this text is sending does not send out the message of a caring and supportive community and mindset for and of the depressed. Clinical depression makes doing EVERYTHING difficult. It makes it harder to get out of bed in the morning, more difficult to find motivation to do things that you LOVE to do...things that are important to you. Or at least they seemed to be at one point. Depression is a slide...it happens slowly and then falls ever more rapidly. It can happen before you realize it is happening, and then it feels like it's too late to do anything about anything. Hopelessness kicks in. Which is why this picture pisses me off to no END.
I suffer from depression, and am currently having a hard time coping with academics and many other situations. Things are harder than ever for me...and things that are very important are slipping from my grasp. I feel like a failure...this picture does nothing to help that out at all. This type of negative motivation...it's disheartening if anything. This idea that my depression is my excuse is infuriating...perhaps this is part of the motivation...then what kind of motivation is that? Negative dialogue...self talk...negative self-talk can be disastrous if coupled with the right, or wrong, persons.
It is ignorance that forwards this kind of thought. It is outright wrong to ignore the clinically depressed. Do not make my handicap my excuse, let it be my motivation.

Henna for Hair

Hello Readers!

I would have you ALL know that I am going on an adventure in the near future! Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with the slaying of dragons, saving the grand legacy of the unicorn and the narwhal, or a crazy man with a box. Sad Face. I'm not sure how many of you know, but I do currently have vibrant red hair:

I love the way this color looks on me! By the way....this is under mostly fluorescent lighting...I'll get pictures from sunlight as soon as I can! Below is my natural hair color:

The first is a swatch from a photograph taken on a sunny day in the shade, the second on a very overcast day in Niagra.


What I'm going to do is HENNA my hair...but I don't know if I should go back to my natural hair color before doing the Henna or not...does it matter? Do any of you have any advice on the subject? When my research is finally complete and I DO it...I will post pictures (preferably of the process and outcomes) and let you all know how it went!

Knowledge

Inspiration comes from the strangest of places. And at the worst moment imaginable. It's not that you don't want to be inspired. Inspiration is good. It's only that you wished that happier things inspired you. Don't we all. Perhaps it was the chick falling from the branch that made you ponder on strife. Maybe it was the passing glance of a stranger that made you recognize how terribly alone you feel right now. It could have been the awkward laughter at the dinner table...the laughter that you had nothing to do with...that made you come here. I don't have the answers. I don't pretend to. I do know, however, that life's hardships bring more hardship. That these fleeting feelings of happiness are better defined as a lack of hardship. It is this enlightenment that have brought many a man to his knees. To know that it never ends. That is the worst knowledge. Would you ask Eve to stay away from that tree? Would you beg? Perhaps it is only easier to remember the hard times. To know distance and heartache...I would not wish that upon you. You have come here with that knowledge, already. None of us are free from that knowledge...none spared.
Time is a fickle thing. It ticks away...consistently...without need of motivation. There is nothing that could motivate Time. This idea that Time is relevant is peculiar, because while this is an entirely valid statement, it is also invalid. It is as true as your vantage and as false as Time is constant. Labor on that a moment.

Two in love can make it, take my heart and please don't break it

Unforgettable

That's what you are,

Unforgettable

Tho' near or far.

Like a song of love that clings to me,

How the thought of you does things to me.

Never before

Has someone been more...

Unforgettable

In every way,

And forever more

That's how you'll stay.

That's why, darling, it's incredible

That someone so unforgettable

Thinks that I am 

Unforgettable, too.

Unforgettable

In every way,

And forever more,

That's how you'll stay.

That's why, darling, it's incredible

That someone so unforgettable

Thinks that I am

Unforgettable, too.

I've been listening to a LOT of jazz music, lately. Mostly the crooners. I love them. Sinatra, Buble, Cole, Martin...oh god. Yes. :) They're voices are amazing, the content heart wrenching. Sway has my heart right now (both Spanish and English). Things are happening. It's something that I cannot seem to explain correctly. I don't have words for it. I've started keeping a separate diary because there is SO MUCH on my mind these past couple of days.

This song makes me so happy. I hope you enjoy the lyrics (Unforgettable - Nat King Cole) as much as I enjoy listening to this song. 

If anyone is interested in hearing a great up and coming crooner...there's this guy in San Antonio, Bernie Martini (click here to see his website!), he's amazing. He also has many videos on Youtube. He is just amazing. Check him out!

<3

Life in constant motion

I wrote this when I was very upset....thinking about things and defending myself. I still think it rings a certain truth:

Change. Growth. These are the essences of life. Constant struggle...overcoming strife. THIS is growth and change. Please believe when I say that I cannot love stagnation, it is in much the same way that you cannot. I will never apologize for being me, believing what I do. I am not saying that my beliefs will never change, because what kind of person would I be? Who DOESN'T change? What kind of life is the one which stagnates in the algae.... algae thrive on the slow and the weak. who is the one to allow that in his own life? Not I. Nor can I accept that in others. Is that what you want me to do? To go against all that I believe and live for? Do I want to give myself to one who not only thinks this way but is also ignorant and stubborn enough to expect that from me? Am I so kind to let this happen to me? What do I stand for if I don't stand for this?

This has nothing to do with anything that's going on in my life...this was in reaction to something that happened several months ago. But the truth it speaks is about change...life being constant. I will not succumb to static. I am not that weak of an individual.