Pursuing the Impossible

I'm currently composing a letter to my father about how terrible a person he is.
But what does that say about me...about what kind of person I am? Not being able to tolerate a member of my own family when all I preach about is tolerance and acceptance....
What if it's the mere fact that he is a member of my family that I hold him to the highest regards? What if I expect so much from him because he IS my father? He IS supposed to love me and support me and do whatever he can to help me when I am in need. He is supposed to understand and be there. And I'm just having the hardest time putting into words what really hurts me without telling him to fuck off because I can't formulate the words after he just pushes every button. Maybe I should be the bigger person here. But why do I have to do that? Hasn't he been the adult the longest, and therefore should be able to handle these situations better than I? Is that so much to ask from a father for understanding and sympathy, if not empathy?Because I WANT him to finally understand, even if it is too late. Don't ask me why, it's past rational for me. Perhaps I just want a father who will love me and be there for me always, and I don't think he could ever be that to me. So why pursue the impossible?

What happened to our love?

It's weird how you were the one I always came to with problems, and now I stay as far away from you with everything as I can. You were the one person I counted on the most. You eased my fears and sorrows. You made me unadulteratedly happy...and now even looking back and smiling on the good times has its nasty side effects. I wish I could say that I don't miss you. I wish I could just look back and smile because we had such a good time together...but all that I can see right now are the mistakes that I made. Every single time I regretted doing something, everything that might have pushed you further away.  And I can't help but feel so incredibly lonely right now. Why did you have to do everything that I ever wanted a man to do for me? Why did you have to make me feel so loved and unforgettable...because all I can feel right now is exactly the opposite.

(Unm)otivational Text

I was browsing my facebook newsfeed earlier...and I came across the picture to the right. It actually made me angry. It's funny how little things can bring emotions right out of me...must be my state of mind at the moment. Either way...there has to be some kind of doublethink going on, there are all of these motivational, "come out of depression," kind of word pictures going around the internet these days. Wonderful! These are great messages. Who wants people to be depressed all of the time? I sure don't want to be depressed all of the time...I don't want my friends or family...even a complete stranger...I don't really wish depression on anyone. HOWEVER, it seems to me that this doublethink practice allows these creative minds (those making the word pictures) to ignore the clinically depressed people out there. Depression isn't just a mindset, it's also a chemical imbalance in the brain. Lack of energy can stimulate the same type of symptoms, and can be itself a symptom. The message this text is sending does not send out the message of a caring and supportive community and mindset for and of the depressed. Clinical depression makes doing EVERYTHING difficult. It makes it harder to get out of bed in the morning, more difficult to find motivation to do things that you LOVE to do...things that are important to you. Or at least they seemed to be at one point. Depression is a slide...it happens slowly and then falls ever more rapidly. It can happen before you realize it is happening, and then it feels like it's too late to do anything about anything. Hopelessness kicks in. Which is why this picture pisses me off to no END.
I suffer from depression, and am currently having a hard time coping with academics and many other situations. Things are harder than ever for me...and things that are very important are slipping from my grasp. I feel like a failure...this picture does nothing to help that out at all. This type of negative motivation...it's disheartening if anything. This idea that my depression is my excuse is infuriating...perhaps this is part of the motivation...then what kind of motivation is that? Negative dialogue...self talk...negative self-talk can be disastrous if coupled with the right, or wrong, persons.
It is ignorance that forwards this kind of thought. It is outright wrong to ignore the clinically depressed. Do not make my handicap my excuse, let it be my motivation.

Henna for Hair

Hello Readers!

I would have you ALL know that I am going on an adventure in the near future! Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with the slaying of dragons, saving the grand legacy of the unicorn and the narwhal, or a crazy man with a box. Sad Face. I'm not sure how many of you know, but I do currently have vibrant red hair:

I love the way this color looks on me! By the way....this is under mostly fluorescent lighting...I'll get pictures from sunlight as soon as I can! Below is my natural hair color:

The first is a swatch from a photograph taken on a sunny day in the shade, the second on a very overcast day in Niagra.


What I'm going to do is HENNA my hair...but I don't know if I should go back to my natural hair color before doing the Henna or not...does it matter? Do any of you have any advice on the subject? When my research is finally complete and I DO it...I will post pictures (preferably of the process and outcomes) and let you all know how it went!

Knowledge

Inspiration comes from the strangest of places. And at the worst moment imaginable. It's not that you don't want to be inspired. Inspiration is good. It's only that you wished that happier things inspired you. Don't we all. Perhaps it was the chick falling from the branch that made you ponder on strife. Maybe it was the passing glance of a stranger that made you recognize how terribly alone you feel right now. It could have been the awkward laughter at the dinner table...the laughter that you had nothing to do with...that made you come here. I don't have the answers. I don't pretend to. I do know, however, that life's hardships bring more hardship. That these fleeting feelings of happiness are better defined as a lack of hardship. It is this enlightenment that have brought many a man to his knees. To know that it never ends. That is the worst knowledge. Would you ask Eve to stay away from that tree? Would you beg? Perhaps it is only easier to remember the hard times. To know distance and heartache...I would not wish that upon you. You have come here with that knowledge, already. None of us are free from that knowledge...none spared.
Time is a fickle thing. It ticks away...consistently...without need of motivation. There is nothing that could motivate Time. This idea that Time is relevant is peculiar, because while this is an entirely valid statement, it is also invalid. It is as true as your vantage and as false as Time is constant. Labor on that a moment.

Two in love can make it, take my heart and please don't break it

Unforgettable

That's what you are,

Unforgettable

Tho' near or far.

Like a song of love that clings to me,

How the thought of you does things to me.

Never before

Has someone been more...

Unforgettable

In every way,

And forever more

That's how you'll stay.

That's why, darling, it's incredible

That someone so unforgettable

Thinks that I am 

Unforgettable, too.

Unforgettable

In every way,

And forever more,

That's how you'll stay.

That's why, darling, it's incredible

That someone so unforgettable

Thinks that I am

Unforgettable, too.

I've been listening to a LOT of jazz music, lately. Mostly the crooners. I love them. Sinatra, Buble, Cole, Martin...oh god. Yes. :) They're voices are amazing, the content heart wrenching. Sway has my heart right now (both Spanish and English). Things are happening. It's something that I cannot seem to explain correctly. I don't have words for it. I've started keeping a separate diary because there is SO MUCH on my mind these past couple of days.

This song makes me so happy. I hope you enjoy the lyrics (Unforgettable - Nat King Cole) as much as I enjoy listening to this song. 

If anyone is interested in hearing a great up and coming crooner...there's this guy in San Antonio, Bernie Martini (click here to see his website!), he's amazing. He also has many videos on Youtube. He is just amazing. Check him out!

<3

Life in constant motion

I wrote this when I was very upset....thinking about things and defending myself. I still think it rings a certain truth:

Change. Growth. These are the essences of life. Constant struggle...overcoming strife. THIS is growth and change. Please believe when I say that I cannot love stagnation, it is in much the same way that you cannot. I will never apologize for being me, believing what I do. I am not saying that my beliefs will never change, because what kind of person would I be? Who DOESN'T change? What kind of life is the one which stagnates in the algae.... algae thrive on the slow and the weak. who is the one to allow that in his own life? Not I. Nor can I accept that in others. Is that what you want me to do? To go against all that I believe and live for? Do I want to give myself to one who not only thinks this way but is also ignorant and stubborn enough to expect that from me? Am I so kind to let this happen to me? What do I stand for if I don't stand for this?

This has nothing to do with anything that's going on in my life...this was in reaction to something that happened several months ago. But the truth it speaks is about change...life being constant. I will not succumb to static. I am not that weak of an individual.

New Year, New Goals

aka NY;NG.
I know it's pretty far into the New Year already (because my birthday is right around the corner!) but I thought I'd make it a point to challenge myself to go above and beyond what I normally do. Not this semester. Not Cornell. But LIFE. It has recently come to my attention that my generation and the art movement in general has come to a stand still. Where people once valued the depth and breadth of a piece, there is only the value of simplistic irony in a statement. Graphic Ts are spreading like wildfire on this one idea alone. We've lost this great understanding...or at least the struggle for understanding; connection.
Why would anyone want to lose that? It's like we've not only accepted ignorance...but we're asking it into our lives. That's not something I understand. When is ignorance bliss?
This is where I started...and this is why I'm making it my goal this year to stay aware and attuned to my surroundings. I know that's so vague and broad...but let me explain. I haven't had much inspiration lately, and I blame that on myself. I think that if I were to really try and focus on the world around me...I could see what I'm missing. As it has been lately, I haven't taken the time to do that, at all. Someone once said taking pictures might help...and it might...but keeping my eyes open will do the same thing. Taking time to write down a note on a piece of paper to not forget...that is one thing. There's SO much going on around me. It's a waste to just ignore it. I guess that's what I'm trying to accomplish here. This is my soapbox. Tear back the ignorance!
Goal number two is...a bit different. It's not so much a soapbox than a resolution of sorts. Apparently I have a tendency to say the right wrong thing at the wrong right time. I've been told it's more of a knack than a tendency. This is where I apologize to everyone I've wronged doing that and vow to think more before I speak. I feel like I've stepped in that direction...taking a longer time to make a decision rather than being stead fast to something emotionally. This is something I would advocate EVERYONE do. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to question their own beliefs for validity...but there has to be a balance...you have to be able to make a decision...or else what good does it do a person to see both sides and not have a judgement. It doesn't. Balance is difficult. So play Devil's Advocate with yourself from time to time, you'll be surprised what you can find out...and take time before you say something...try to seriously think about what you say before you say it.

Existence of Love?

Love exists as long as you are not questioning whether it exists or not. Once you start wondering if you love someone...it is gone.

Etiquette of Online Dating

So I was just thinking...what kind of rules does one follow in the realm of online dating? Is it like the real world? Do you date one person at a time or are you constantly on the lookout and "dating" until you find someone you feel relatively sure about? Do you have options? Are there any "meant to be"s?
Is there even any kind of etiquette? Have we left any kind of courtship all together now that we've moved this to the online world?

Housemates....

So...I don't necessarily want to talk about any one person....but sometimes...just like. You have to be conscious of who is in the room. I love when people have different opinions, however, please don't judge MY opinion AND don't be rude about yours. Kay??? Jeez-us.

Not sure of a title quite yet. I hate titles.

I never wanted to be the girl defining her life by relationships....oh well. I also decided early on that I wouldn't drink or do anything horrifically modifying to my body (like thousands of piercings). We've seen how that went.
I want to start off by saying that It's been 4 months since he broke up with me. More or less. I really really really really really really wanted to be over it by now. I'm mostly over it...but I wish it didn't bother me so much that he doesn't want to talk since I've started seeing somebody else.
One thing I can thank whatever deity may exist is that I'm not one of those girls who conforms to her guy of the moment's trends...nope. not me. I'm not a chameleon in that regards. I like to think that I'm more like a rock than a puddle of water...but maybe that's just me. Water is as malleable as anything on earth...shape and size and consistency anyways. But rock...rock is not. it may weather over time...but it does not change the shape of itself as quickly as a puddle will.
Speaking of puddles...it seems like it's always raining in Ithaca...making me realize how much I want to be a child again...when I didn't mind getting wet in the rain. As an adult I'm always rushing through the rain to some undisclosed location. It's worrisome. I want to be more child like. I remember one rainstorm in San Antonio where me and my younger brother played in the mud and pretended to be Indians...or Native Americans. We called them Indians because children aren't as bothered by political correctness as the rest of the world, aka the adult population.
Anyways, I miss those days of relatively little responsibility. I suppose I will also look back on my College days and miss this, too. Little responsibility + drinking age. :)
By the way, Kant. Yeah. He is a very dense read.

So Far Gone

The semester has begun and I'm as busy as ever.
This should be no surprise by now, but I'm always consumed by my work and studying...and I can never get used to getting off of break mode. I've been doing this for years, you would think I would know by now, right? Oh well.
Life is well...as it should be. I'm having problems in my love life, as well, however.
I guess time will only tell how it all goes.
I'm sorry about how bad this is, I haven't been writing since I went to Cape Cod and since I moved in for the semester, well...life has just been rough. Let's leave it at that. At the same time, I've started following all of my new friends on here, and it's come to the point where I feel I should probably be doing something on here. I feel so much like a bum. I need to get more inspiration....as soon as I have more time to think and breathe....come on Cornell!
Life will go on. Someday soon.
:)

The end of America as we thought we knew it

I feel like having a political rant right about now, so let me be.
If any of you know me, you'll know that I'm a crazy leftist liberal hell-bent on ruining our capitalist markets.....or what the Religious Right would have you believe.
Really? I'm all about equality for EVERYONE. Not just in classes, but between classes. Our society so values wealth that the wealthy have even been able to convince the middle and lower classes that it's a good thing to have the mega-rich squander away all of our capital....somehow.
And to be totally honest, I don't agree. Call me anit-American all you want, because what I want is for the America I grew up believing in to be what it has always promised to be, a place to live in with a dream of living without worry and anxiety.
Apparently that's anit-American rhetoric, however. Because I want the mega-rich to pay taxes on their share and to let the rest of us live in peace. I am NOT against the wealthy, I only think that they have to pay their fair share. Why are WE supporting them when they can support themselves and 5 small nations? Huh? It doesn't make any sense, and the fact that the extreme poor are following their rhetoric is outrageous.
Don't even get me started on the Religious Right.....it's their goal to make this country into a real God-fearing nation...to bring Jesus and "God" into schools and make everyone believe that the bible is the full truth and nothing but the truth. This shit is pervasive enough as it is. Swearing to the Flag "under God," swearing to tell the truth and nothing but the truth on the bible.
And even funnier is that these nut cases want us to believe this insane ideology while they go behind our backs and do the exact opposite. Double-speak.
Our country is living the book 1984....every right that is taken away is one step closer to a third world status....total inequality. Do we really want that? It almost seems like there's no hope for America. Get out while you still can!!!!

Control

I've always been one to want to control everything...and then fix it if I messed it up. I recently learned that life doesn't work that way. I've always intrinsically known this...I suppose I only just wanted for that to be false and that I could use my actions to decide the verdict....which is true to a point. I'm over controlling, over bearing. It's true.
I know that this isn't healthy...it can lead to some serious psycological and physical damage...trying to control so much. While it's true that my actions in certain situations do sway the verdict...I cannot decide that it is better. It is not always in my control. Sometimes I have to just let the feather fall as it will. Sometimes...trying to control a situation only makes it worse. Jeeze. I should really fix this thing inside of me that wants to control everything.
It'll take time, and some serious effort, but I think I can do this. This is for both my present and future self.
It's going to be really hard.
God help me.

New Blog

Hey guys!
So I recently started this new blog because of my apparent internet addiction. That and I feel I need to learn to appreciate life and all of the beauty that surrounds it. So while I'll be blogging here still about significant and insignificant thoughts and ideas, I will be talking there about my daily life and my appreciation for all that life brings me. :)
Tell your friends and follow me there, too!

http://lifeoutsideoftheinternet.blogspot.com

A Joke with Wit

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?






























One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause!

Cars 2

I know this is a movie geared towards children, and it did a good job. But it has a couple of good lessons for adults as well, something that I hope I can take from this movie and put into my life.
Without ruining the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, I just want to say that the movie strongly upholds friendship. We see Mater and McQueen have a fight, but we also see them get back together, because that's what best friends do, right? I'm sure many of us think that. But the big thing to grasp here is that we all make mistakes, and that real friends don't intentionally hurt one another. We have to remember forgiveness is essential to every relationship we will ever have, and that friends are the best things we can come by in life. True friendships are rare and should never be forgotten.
Forgive your friends, accept them for who they are, and life will be kind for you.

Two-Stepping

Tonight was my first night out at a Texas dancehall...and I learned some rules about how- and what-tos.
I thought I would be kind and share some of these rules with you, just in case you care to venture out into one.
1. It's ok to wear whatever you want, you don't have to dress like a country bumpkin, but wear clothes that you can move around in comfortably.
2. The same rules apply to shoes, but the general shoe most appropriate for this type of venue is the famous Texas Cowboy Boot. It's an unwritten necessity (for both men and women).
3. Find someone to teach you the basic two-step, you don't want to make yourself look like a tool in front of the women you want to take home...and women, this is easy, find a man who's standing or sitting around that looks like a possible cowboy....he probably knows how to two-step and would be glad to teach you.
4. Don't sit out all night, find someone and DANCE.

Those are my lessons from the night. Oh...more lessons and rules to follow about general etiquette in different places. Love you guys. :)

My First Vegetarian Restaurant

I went to my first vegetarian restaurant today, with a couple of friends, one of whom is vegan.
I surprised myself with how much I knew about veganism vs vegetarianism and different nutrition facts about dairy products, protein...and just all around knowledge about it. I'm so happy that I went. It's a wonderful place, and I want to go again before I go back to Ithaca. I absolutely loved it. I got mushroom stroganoff and a vegan cupcake for dessert. I've been wanting to go towards vegetarianism for a while, and I truly think I got my kick-start today, and on top of that, I joined a vegetarian co-op for next year. Maybe this isn't going to be as hard as I thought.